I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
