Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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