I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
