On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
