y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I stole a fireplace last night.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Randomize
