I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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