JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize