I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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