I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
