i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
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