i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
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