so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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