theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
