Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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