The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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