Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
The adults are the big ones right?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
