god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize