I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
