Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Alive.
So much puke
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Randomize
