Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
