I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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