I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
