Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
