The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
