There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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