Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
