p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Randomize