I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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