Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
