I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
