I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
