She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
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