I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Randomize
