Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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