I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
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