It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
