You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
