YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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