We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
