You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
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