My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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