ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
