god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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