my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
