The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
