I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
