I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
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