would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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