I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
