Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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