me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
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