Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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