His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
