the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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