I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
you didnt know i had herpes?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
