Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
i think my cat just said my name.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
