i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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