he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
