I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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